Category: Loving Relationships

Perhaps its every parent’s dream to raise children who’re happy, healthy, emotionally resilient and have high self-confidence. I began observing and studying this topic during my adolescence when I first heard of the concept of the optimistic child and of course I’ve been preparing how I want to raise children. This meant I really had to think and practise the behaviours and characteristics myself. How could I expect other people to do things if I wasn’t to demonstrate and instruct them? I also learned there are two primary ways in which children learn; imitation from one or both parents and the ‘pain and pleasure’ principle.

A child will first learn from imitation (values, behaviours, opinions, attitudes, beliefs). The second way a child learns is to choose and move towards perceived ‘pleasure over pain’. And much of what people will do in their life is for love (the need to belong). But it’s the perception of the child that counts. If the child is to see and feel the withdrawal of love from parents, it can create negative patterns of behaviour. The fear of ‘loss of love’ is a powerful driving force that can cause all kinds of personality problems and insecurities that become habitual reactionary ways to compensate for the lack of love people have and feel about themselves. Children then become adults who’re fear driven rather than desire driven. Therefore, I think the primary goal of being a parent should be to raise children with high self-confidence and high self-esteem.

Here are 3 ways you can master the art of transformational leadership⬇

Empowering Rules

Children want and need clear rules. Because children are always looking towards adults for cues on how to think and act. Character is built through commitment and adversity and the first thing to do is communicate clear expectations that guide behaviours, self-discipline and duty. Young people want you to create the rules, it demonstrates that you love and care for them.

The clear set of guidelines in their life will provide structure and consistency in their lives. We want to send the child a message that you’re a developing person and I’m committed to your development. I then will set very high standards but most importantly I will show children how to reach them. Are great achievements and making great contributions worth having? Then create empowering rules to live by, and your children will also learn from a young age that they’re in control of their lives and can rise above their circumstances.

Independent Decision Making

Children that are happy, confident and emotionally resilient make empowering decisions. And we want to empower children to make their own decisions, so they learn to improve their decision-making process to not only take responsibility for their life and actions but consistently grow into the person they want to be. To teach a belief in improvement so children can understand and foresee the rewards and consequences as lecturing doesn’t have half the effect of understanding consequences.

When parents allow their children to make their own choices about the activities they like to do, they’re more likely to develop areas of interest that cultivate into life passions. When people give up, they do so for a reason. But the highest performing individuals don’t swap top level goals and it’s critically important to keep going when things become difficult with passion and perseverance. People who continually defy the odds, achieve, play and push to their extremes of use have GRIT.

If you wanted to give your child a gift of wisdom to close the gap between his/her potential and actualization it would be to teach and train children to love effort, challenges, making mistakes, trying new strategies and that no matter what you can keep on learning and improving.

Positive Language but praising intelligently

One of the most important things to consider when we speak to children is that we do it positively to shape their personality and confidence. Because culturally we’re all shaped by the language we use. Do you have to love yourself before you can teach your child to love and like themselves? Am I modelling self-love, positive self-talk and resilience?

At the core of confidence is self-esteem and it’s the key to happiness, personal effectiveness and healthy relationships with self and others in our lives. Why? Because the more you like yourself the better you feel about yourself and perform at anything you do. Therefore, destructive criticism must not be used towards children as many don’t have the social intelligence and accept anybody’s opinion as true. For example; the boy who grows up believing he’s stupid and the girl who sees herself as ugly. Many children learn to believe those messages. When something goes wrong it’s easy to blame, but Instead of getting angry could you learn to use helpful actions because we want to make sure that the child feels loved and can improve their behaviour. I praise effort, strategy and steps in the right direction leading children to a growth-mindset.

However, children do need honest and constructive feedback as withholding the truth to their development harms their future. Constructive feedback must have the child feeling better about themselves to think through their problems and perform better. How can you transform the meaning of effort and difficulty?

For honest self-assessment:

1. What am I doing to make sure my child has the psychological and emotional foundation to become a self-confident individual?
2. How much passion and perseverance do I have for my own life goals?

To raising optimistic children,

Dave

Strong relationships are reciprocal. And that’s why you need to develop the character traits of caring, sharing and trustworthiness. When you give an idea, strategy, feeling or gift to another person or group, everybody wins. In many cases a new strategy can save people years and decades. If you find a good idea today could you share it with others? Maybe it helped your health or finances or simply inspired you to do, be and contribute more.

For me, I love sharing my passions of learning, growing and contributing. I do this act of service through my writing, workshops, programs, events and family. I put heart and soul effort and energy into transforming people’s psychology and skills development. By the time I was 15 I knew that one of my major purposes in life was to assist people to BREAKTHROUGH their limitations, obstacles and overcome their challenges.

For example; I went on an outward-bound Australia camp in high school. Previously my teachers never thought much of me other than I was an all-rounder in sporting ability. It seemed that I was asked by the school to go because at age 14, in their words (I was off the rails) I was a confused boy struggling with my identity, family values and life direction. I was beginning to violate community rules because I was engaging with troubled youths, drugs and alcohol. But at the camp my teachers saw a different side of a shy teenage boy. My teachers saw a calm and composed boy move between all kinds of obstacles, terrain and round up individuals or groups who needed demonstrations to enhance individual and team performance. My teachers were in disbelief at the level of hands on compassion, kindness and consideration I displayed for other individuals and immediately told my mother on return. Much of the learning is by doing activities like: expedition, high ropes course, abseiling, rafting and raft-building, canoeing, navigating, bush-cooking, solo, and team building games and initiatives. The diverse and stimulating activities involve teamwork to be successful. This also requires high emotional intelligence, emotional endurance and steadfast personal-leadership to immediately adapt to the unknown and step out of your comfort zone to face mental, physical, social and emotional challenges with a sense of fun and adventure. The other students had confidence in my decisions even at times of overwhelming uncertainty, they trusted in my presence, ability and above all to lead by caring example. Trust is the foundation of leadership.

Outward-bound camps provide challenging experiences that help people to discover, develop and achieve their potential. The camp was a journey of personal-development and because I consistently received monthly sports star of the month awards at Yass High School. I imagined at school assembly’s what it would be like to one day meet other high performers in Australia and bring them back to train the students.  I decided I wanted to be one of the best in Australia at helping any child breakthrough their obstacles and essentially any adult. I love it and wanted those experiences, it literally lights me up. And I’ve been on track ever since.

Often it takes people a lifetime of achieving success before they start to consider giving back, but why do you have to wait until the end of your life? I promise you that the spirit of selfless contribution is the very essence of a successful life. Because you become a how can I help person in the world of where many have the attitude of what can I get. I believe your level of life satisfaction will improve immensely from service to others. Society seems to be very self-absorbed especially with social media and the selfie. Could you look to help others more? Many of the great world leaders pursue projects far bigger than themselves and that’s why they’re long remembered after their time. Their contribution outlives them. I once read in a book that “service is the rent we pay for living” I sat there smiling to myself in complete joy.

When you see someone struggling to climb the ladder of life, will you offer a helping hand? We built Australia’s most profound and effective school initiative, and we’ve built it for the communities and especially children growing up. It was a very proud moment in my life to share advanced training methods and celebrate with the children winning and learning around us, we’ve lifted them up and cheered them on to become their very best selves. Do you think the year 10 boys at St. Edmund’s college felt valued?

The media asked me for a quote here’s what we gave them.

“The students and the college won. Everybody wins!! It was a very special day to actualize my childhood dream. We won as a team and have received powerful feedback and the team can not wait for the next one.” – Everybody Wins Team

For me, that is success.

I wish for you an extraordinary life,

Dave

The great enemy of human potential is the comfort zone. Most people are deathly afraid of the unknown, but the greatest leaders know how to create certainty in the midst of the unknown. Am I an individual who goes through life reacting or with focus and concentration? Is it a surprise to see the happiest people you know look more awake and aware of what makes them fulfilled? Therefore, you must take more control of your mental thought processes to create your self-ideal. This is your combination of attributes for your perfect self? For example; loving, compassionate, forgiving, purposeful, integrity, honour, courage, service and contribution.

Of course, your attitude is the way you approach life and here are 3 things that you could do to improve your self-love and self-esteem.

1. Adopt a GROWTH-MINDSET

Human beings are literally designed to learn and evolve? And Dave believes if you’re not growing, becoming better, more skilled at any area of your life. It doesn’t matter who the individual is you’re not going to feel amazing about yourself. The more an individual engages with continuous leaning, continuous improvements they’ll feel not only more in control of their lives but will also experience more positive emotions. What area of my life will I take to a whole new level? Body, Relationships, Emotions, Career.

Would it be fair to say that mental health is the mental tension between where one is and what one feels he/she should do, accomplish or become? Whose fault is this? Do I have to engage in learned helplessness or competitive victimhood? Is it wise for individuals to tear people down to feel important? Could I learn something else to make my life better? How will I create a meaningful life? Do I know what my life is about? If not, why not?

2. Do I finish what I start?

Do I keep firm promises to myself? For example; I turned my life around at 15 after my identity crisis and I imagined what I could do with my life at school assembly’s. I dreamt about being an Australian champion in sport and meeting other high-performers to one day return and train children at my local high school. During my adolescence I also anticipated the need for me to close the gap on how society was evolving with technology, globalization and social media. I could foresee the benefits for people. But I also had to give up a lot on a personal level to develop skills, characteristics and habits. It’s a price that must be paid in full. I wasn’t gifted all the skills, nor the confidence and I had to become a person who would change the game with our physical and mental: emotional health epidemics. 15 years later I’ve held out and we will create history.

Do you think my self-esteem is increasing as I continue to close in and work towards this childhood dream?

Self-Esteem is the hallmark of a healthy personality. Given that I’m an individual who has experienced multiple incidents of extreme abusive trauma and societal beliefs would have you suggest it’s not possible to be a high functioning and total loving human being. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself? Essentially, HOW much you like yourself? And your feelings of self-esteem will only develop as a side effect of doing well in the world.

Martin Seligman, Ph.D. Recommends all people and “Children need to fail” to gather emotions, if we impulsively protect people and children from failure we deprive them from learning. And when encountering obstacles if you bolster self-esteem to soften the blows we distract individuals with congratulatory ebullience making it harder for them to achieve mastery.

3. APPRECIATION AND GRATITUDE

Appreciation and gratitude are two of the most powerful spiritual emotions. From cultivating these emotions you can wipe out fear, anger and frustration instantly because it alters the biochemistry in the brain. For me, practising gratitude EVERYDAY is a form of deliberate action where I can express my thanks for what I have, the love and energy I can give to others, the amazing relationships I’m developing and the memories and experiences I have done or shared. When I deliberately cultivate these emotional states I am enhancing the quality of my life because what we focus on grows, and the reality is there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for? How am I going to feel if I always focus on the negatives, searching for problems to complain and always worried about what can go wrong?

Remember: Everything you and I do is directly related to the love you have in your life or lack of. Yes, your goals, dreams and commitments are because of how you feel about yourself and what you believe. Will you EARN your self-esteem?

Promise yourself

1. How can I love myself if I’m not even being myself?
2. Will I be one of the few individuals who honestly lives out their life mission and dreams?
3. There is always something to be grateful for? What am I grateful for?

To your PERSONAL development,

Dave

When we punish people or our partners we break trust causing an emotional & spiritual divide. Psychologically

They Key RESPONSE⬇

Pleasure is the key; reinforce positive behaviour with pleasurable experiences or simple kindness in return, Instead of punishing people or our partners.  This enables us to be emotionally detached and see solutions clearly, that we have a choice to approach the situation with different energy (kindness, compassion, love). Therefore, transforming relationships in the ‘right’ direction. When we punish other people we indirectly punish ourselves no matter the circumstances.

How can we create unity? By demonstrating courage and upmost integrity! We work towards showing ‘nobility of character’ that is personal on a one to one level. The key is to make deposits, and constant deposits. It’s even more necessary for people whom we’re closest to and interacting with on a regular basis. Because we live in an interdependent world we need to create high emotional bank accounts with other people, and high trust leads to high cooperation and synergistic communication. The trust building account of relationships is the emotional bank account. And when we see problems and choose to ACT proactively we’re given an opportunity to build the emotional bank account. This can improve relationships 10xfold. For example; when a child comes to a parent with a problem and they help them out. That’s a powerful way to build trust.

In difficult times it’s wise to maintain composure and respond with tolerance and kindness, I have found it’s often enough to reciprocate people whom are acting aggressive or with heavy criticism.

Taking the INITIATIVE…if you’re the person who has been offended⬇

To let the person or your partner know that you love them. This will signal a message that you’re not interested in causing more pain, because when people experience pain they will often put up walls to cease suffering.

The PROACTIVE approach is to let the person or your partner know you’ve been hurt, instead of repressing emotions. This requires great courage and consideration for all relationships. To reach out and affirm another person or the one you ❤

Ask yourself;

1. Who’s in charge of my emotional responses?
2. What is the benefit of criticism, condemning, complaining?
3. Where is a broken relationship that I deeply care about, and if I took the PROACTIVE approach would be repaired? (Family, Friends, Work)

To our never-ending improvements,

Dave

My mental: emotional ability allows me to move fast when I need to. Whilst it’s one of my greatest strengths it can also mean I move slow with people. In communication with people, slow is fast and fast is slow. Learning to communicate effectively is a never-ending process, and communication is a very important skill in life. To deeply listen and understand another individual from their frame of reference we have practiced empathetic listening skills, demonstrated respect and given them psychological air.

At times I can be naturally impatient with people, because with my emotional intelligence I can already see & process the solution. Solving problems is one of the things that really lights me up in life. But when I’m already at step 3 and they’re at step 1 this doesn’t work logically until people feel understood emotionally.

So how do we do it?

There are four stages of communication, the first is to mimic the content. The second stage is listening and when we rephrase the content. The third stage we allow the use of our right brain. The right side of the brain is the emotional side and when you reflect the feeling in communication. The left side of the brain is more logical and impulse control. The fourth stage is where we rephrase the content and reflect the feeling. This is the highest form of communication and if we have personality conflicts that become emotional we need to shift back to empathetic listening with our communication to make the conversation more logical. Being a strategist who loves to solve problems, I always consider people’s genuine welfare and give the most logical and open-minded responses with the correct strategy and it still doesn’t work every time with people. If people have the correct strategy it should work every time, right? Only when people are in the ‘Right’ emotional state. All the logic in the world struggles to work with people until they feel understood and trust you. Then they still have to ‘do the work’ ahead of them. Empathetic listening takes time initially but could save you months or years of frustration and emotional pain.

How do we allow people to feel understood? I will affirm my motive that I have a sincere desire to understand. I care about you and your welfare. I want to understand you. I state that I value our differences, and can we work together?

People want to be understood. Whose point of view do I need to understand? Will I listen to their concerns? If your self-esteem is genuine you can get along with anyone on the planet; culture, disability, stereotypes. How do I know this? Well I’m a curious dude

Below is a two-step process for relationship responsibility

The first step is to understand another individual from their frame of reference. What are their strengths? What are their values? And how do they work best with others?

The second step is to always take full responsibility for communication. Because most social: emotional drama occurs when individuals don’t know what the other person is trying to do? How they work best? What’s important to them? And the results they’re expecting? Why don’t people understand? Because they haven’t Asked. Making assumptions sets people up for misunderstandings, sadness and drama. Am I really an open-minded person or do I habitually react emotionally? When we communicate openly and as clearly as we possibly can by asking questions and clearly defining what we want we can completely transform our own lives and those around us.

Ask yourself;

1. How will I work on listening to others?
2. Is it more important to be trusted or to be liked?
3. Where is a relationship that I have suppressed emotions and need to communicate more openly and honestly?

For living in harmony and living together peacefully.

Dave

Feminine energy is about emotion: connection. And high masculine energy with CLARITY, and WHEN channeled effectively is about direction: mission.

A highly feminine Woman is living in a world of feeling, sensation. And values emotional connection. It’s important for people to communicate in a calm and clear state of mind because minimal understanding is achieved from emotions; fear and anger if they’re present. Therefore, we must be in the ‘right’ emotional state to communicate because we could be holding our partner to stories from the past whilst using ineffective strategies. When we’re in the ‘right’ emotional state we feel better about ourselves and partner and then we make better decisions. In the ‘right’ emotional state we know what the ‘right’ thing to do is.

This way partners and people can feel understood when we agree to listen openly without making assumptions. High Masculine energy with CLARITY is about building up and breaking through to solve problems.

If a masculine man punishes his feminine partner ‘or’ she doesn’t feel understood she will repress and become more masculine energy. Likewise if a feminine partner punishes her partner he tends to become more feminine. It breaks polarity.

Balancing the energy of polarity can be transformed with understanding. And reinforced with experiences that bring ‘pleasurable’ feelings. That’s giving without any direct or immediate agenda, ‘Giving’ with no expectation in return. Learn people’s history, their lives and their goals. It’s in the learning to make additional deposits into the relationship, building trust.

For application;

1. Identification for what my partner values most?
2. What simple kindnesses and needs does my partner respond to?
3. How will we create a deeper level of sexual intimacy?

To your love story,

Dave